Monday, December 31, 2012

Oh 2012, you scrappy jokester. I love you. Now goodbye.


Every year has it's ups and downs.  2012 was especially topsy-turvy and I, a card carrying V.I.P. FastPass member, was getting ushered to the front of the line whether I liked it or not.  Because of this roller coaster style Sturm und Drang, rarely knowing whether to laugh or cry, I had little time to write life down as it was happening.  The FF Word has been quite lonesome because of it so without further adieu:

A funny thing happened on the way to gut wrenching happiness...

I had a nervous breakdown. 

Trust me.  I needed to dissolve.  The way I was living really wasn't my cup of tea.

Actually, I'm not a big tea drinker.  More of an 'Iced Grande Soy Latte from a drive-thru sucked down with a bright green straw' kinda girl.  And tequila.  So as an aspiring authenticator I should begin this piece with more...reality:

My god damned pathetic life wasn't my roll in the hay.  Oh yeah, that's better.

I hear people don't have nervous break downs anymore.  In my youth, as the enthralled child of a professional therapist brazen hairdresser, I was surrounded by desperate housewives circa 1979 disguised as svelte career girls with blonde bouffants and tan Cadillacs who found comfort at the salon in the whispered gossip of "her nervous breakdown." 

"Did you hear about so-and-so.....her husband left.....he must be having an affair.....my realtor said they're losing their house.....poor thing, she had a nervous breakdown.....is this dryer hot enough?"

Side note:  If you google 'Nervous Breakdown', Wikipedia will redirect you to 'Mental Breakdown': "Nervous breakdown" redirects here. For other uses, see Nervous breakdown (disambiguation)."

Disambiguation?!  That just sounds batshit crazy.

"Hello, Mr. Bossman?  I'm sorry I won't be coming in to work today.  I've got Disambiguation.  Yes.  Dis-am-big-uation.  I've been Disambiguated.  I don't know, life pissed me off and I caught this crap.  I don't know when I'll be in.  Dude, my Ambiguation has been Dissed, get off my case!"

It was the month of May and just another ordinary morning of strapping hot rollers in my Clairoled hair while guzzling down cold caffeine in lieu of real nutrition.  Yes, just another rushed attempt at not being late for work as if timeliness was not just a pipe dream of mine.  During this habitually boring morning, in between Q-tips and squeezing my ass into Spanx, I received news that I was caught in "a lie".  Accusingly so with the intent to tear down my character.

You know that point when you have been running a million miles an hour, barely catching your breath from the day before, hanging on to the end of your rope -- that teeny, tiny last little frayed inch -- knowing that one fell swoop, one unexpected blow could send you spinning out of control like a wild banshee on fire?  That was me and my head was in flames.  One minute I was pushing up my bra with toothbrush securely shoved in mouth -- the next I was on the floor melting away like the Wicked Witch in a rainstorm.

I have lied many times in my life.  Many, many times.  As a child I felt I had to.  As a teen I wanted to.  As a young woman I was so good at it that it just came naturally.  In my 40's, I learned how to stop.  It was difficult and scary to be exposed in the world, naked with truth.  But I did it.  Lying was a type of addiction for me.  Mostly to please others and hide my feelings.  Many times to diminish my poor choices and bad behavior.  I eventually took the blame for my faults and paid for them dearly.  Full price.  So at the age of 44, making great strides in honesty, I didn't take too kindly to receiving blame for something I had worked so hard to overcome.

I freaked out.  I punched an empty flat screen TV box down the hallway until my knuckles were bruised.  I scraped the shag carpet leaving a permanent scar on my elbow.  I pounded the floor of the bathroom until I began to bleed.  Sounds came out of me that are nonhuman.  I dissolved into the linoleum less of a woman...and late for work.  (Pipe dream, told ya.)


Miss Atomic Bomb - 1950's. 
I wonder if I looked this pretty while I was blowing up?  Let's just say I did.  I had freshly curled hair.

After 20 minutes of cradling and rocking myself back and forth into something that resembled my sanity I got up and started all over again.  Unfortunately (or fortunately), I have a health condition that is directly affected by emotional stress.  I have been told for years to keep the stress levels down to a manageable level.  I laugh here because it's virtually impossible.  I do try.  But alas, life -- It is a cruel lover.  My disease kicked into gear within the hour and I could no longer walk in a straight line with my legs collapsing beneath me.  I began having seizure like reactions as my entire body tensed up like a wooden plank, raising up and down out of bed.  My nerves were on the loose and ruling every inch of me.  I knew at this point that I better remove myself from the front burner and try to emotionally take it down a notch.  I spent the rest of the day in bed, liquefied -- so full of sorrow.  I couldn't believe that I was still allowing outside opinion to create in me unrelenting pain.  I knew the claim wasn't true.  I had not lied or misled anyone.  I wanted so badly for that to be enough for me. 

That day, during my Disambiguation, I broke through an impassioned tectonic plate of steel that had been weighing me down for years.  That day, rendering my body unusable and putty-like, my mind made up with itself that I would never again become victim to someone who does not know me, whether they are in my inner circle or as distant as a stranger could possibly be.  All that I had worked so hard to overcome over the years; all that I was building in my daily life of a new career and long-held mission of fearlessness could not stop me from feeling completely frail and insignificant.  I was targeted.  And then it hit me, that word - I was targeted.  For years I was invisible, both my choice and otherwise.  You can't hit an invisible target.  Had I really developed into a whole woman, a powerful woman that someone would want to take down?  My nervous breakdown became an enigmatic breakthrough. 

After a few days I pulled myself together and accepted my lessons:  I knew who I was.  I had to be OK with the fact I may be the only one who knows.  I couldn't make anyone look into my heart.  If I defend myself it appears that I am guilty.  Pick and choose the most suitable people to surround myself with.  Listen to my body as it warns me against serious harm.  My own growth, no matter how slow or faulty or tedious, is worth every bit of blame if it checks my intentions and leaves me better than how I arrived.  If I am targeted then I have something worthy of tearing down. 

I can't say that I will never try to pulverize an appliance box with my bare hands again but I do know this:  The next time I am targeted by weakness disguised as cruelty I will not crumble.  Instead, I will stand tall -- smile -- and realize that I must be doing something right to deserve such a dishonorable attack.  And then I will gently say, "I'm going to pray for you", because people who are hunting down rising girls really hate that.  And then after turning it over to God I will walk away with a covertly positioned double-fingered fuck you applied with feverish finger pumping, squinty eyes and a lower lip bite because that's what makes me feel better.  Better the 'secret double-fingered fuck you pump' than my ever-loving sanity.  My worth is no longer up for grabs. 

I said fuck. 

You're welcome.

...............................................................


So much has come to fruition this year and I have spent hours upon hour rejoicing, especially in my car with the tunes pumping and the sun meeting me through the glass.  2012 was a crash course of sorts for letting go of the very last bits and pieces of a Pretty/Ugly past.  That piece of pottery has been pasted together so many times but never stopped from crumbling.  Like a trail of bread crumbs back to the past, I would find shards of clay that looked like the girl I used to be in the unlikeliest of places.  2012 buried them.  I long to share my world with you through the stories that have created it.  2013 has sat on my shoulder with it's feathers unfurled singing a very sweet song that always ends in yes.  2013.  Let's fly!

27 comments:

  1. I love you so much, for the raw intense honesty, for speaking volumes upon volumes of truth, for being a woman with character, wisdom, humor and love. For being fearless enough to share the unfurling of your story, I am beyond blown away by this post, Kudos to you dearheart, you are a beautiful piece of pottery with all the cracks telling a story of amazing recovery, resilliance and wonder. Thank you.

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    1. I am grateful for your beautiful vision of my stories, Lizzie. What a gift you give. You help make it all worth it. Thank you for cheering me on. I love you, too!

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  2. I love you so much, for the raw intense honesty, for speaking volumes upon volumes of truth, for being a woman with character, wisdom, humor and love. For being fearless enough to share the unfurling of your story, I am beyond blown away by this post, Kudos to you dearheart, you are a beautiful piece of pottery with all the cracks telling a story of amazing recovery, resilliance and wonder. Thank you.

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  3. oh myyyy!!! you are amazing! what a gift you have! i have become so addicted to you! you are my carrie bradshaw, only better! you make me feel like i'm 12 again, reading "are you there God, it's me Margaret?" couldn't put it down, read it over and over! thank you fefe! i'm supposed to be working right now, but i had to finish reading this! i love you, and i don't even know you. that's how good you are! oh and i saw your photo you posted the other day, you are stunning!
    to 2013 - we are waiting to greet you with open arms. this will be a year of love and understanding and happiness and reciprocity! and lots of writing from you...can't wait! happy new year!

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    1. Toni, to be mentioned in the same paragraph as Judy Blume and Carrie Bradshaw?? I was driving to work and stuck in traffic when I read your comment and literally squeeled out loud. I am just beaming. That is such a huge compliment I can't even tell you. You have forced me back to my computer to write - No joke. I am ridiculously excited that you are here, consuming, enjoying and sharing. And thank you for the "stunning" remark -- I don't know about that but you have completely made my 2013 already! lol....One day in is pretty dang awesome. Wishing you a most spectacular ride this year and truly looking forward to getting to know you. Woman, I love you, too...xx

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  4. Incredible epiphany! What a journey....I feel so lucky to have found you!!! Not many truly honest people like you out there, my friend. xoxo

    Barb

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    1. Barb, we shall ride wildly into this year kicking up dust behind us! You are a God-given dream. Cocktails and girl-talk on the horizon...xx

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  5. Trite? Okay... Cliché? Maybe... But I'm sayin' it anyway... YOU. GO. GIRL.

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    1. I'll take your trite and cliché anyday, E. Thank you for being here, always -- enduringly encouraging from the very beginning of this written journey. Don't ever leave. Ever.

      xx

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  6. soooo funny, especially the double fingered f--you -- where were you in HS when I really needed to hear this stuff????????

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    1. Ha! Laura, I *was* there when you were in highschool...but not quite like this ;) I was just thinking of you the other day and a conversation we had running into each other at Home Depot. You make me smile even when I haven't seen you in years. The double fingered f--you (or DFFY) is going into the arsenal of 'in case of emergency' tools. Miss you, beautiful girl!

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  7. Your words inspire me... and as you said in your Facebook post, "this story will resonate like it was your own". We always have something to heal, but for some reason 2012 was the year of BIG change... sometimes you need to break things down to build them back up! I admire your strength and your raw honesty. Any person that tries to break you down is merely transferring their own insecurities onto you... so cheers to you for finding the strength to say no, I'm not letting anyone make me feel this way... neither today nor tomorrow.

    I hope 2013 is everything you dreamed of... if not, you will do your best to make it so.

    Carissa

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    1. Miss Carissa, welcome! I am overjoyed that you found your way here and to the FF wall on FB. Your wisdom feels so good -- "sometimes you need to break things down to build them back up" -- Oh, and how. And painful and liquifying and magical and life changing. Ack! What a trip to fearlessness. Thank you for allowing me to be as honest in my storytelling as I am with your incredibly warm return. You make it safe and for that I am extremely grateful. I look forward to seeing your gorgeous presence much more often. May your 2013 be a mind-blowing redemption of love.

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  8. You are remarkable, rare, Gutsy, intuitive, a godly woman with a gift of voice to those who can not speak, we are so blessed that you allow us into your world!!!

    You will always be my favorite.
    Noni

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    1. Ok, well now you're just making me cry.....

      Thank you. For every little thing.

      It's been a long and wild road, Mom (aka Noni). How exciting it will be to keep going ;)

      You're *my* favorite. How funny that it happened that way....xx

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  9. We all go down the dark path sometimes and realize we can be our own worst enemy. Outside influences of darkness make it worse. So many people start the 'hate game' for reasons completely unknown to the 'hatee'. Believe me, it has happened to me for reasons I have no idea but let it slide. Other times you wrongly trash someone in person for some reason, maybe months of built up issues, but blow up way too hard. You apologize but their dark ego cannot move on. You realize what they say about 'me' is not a concern to me anymore; what they said about their 'friends' was always something that seemed wrong, then suddenly blows you away...but I don't repeat, even now; for your said reasons--it can drive people crazy and who knows the real truth? Only the people there, the live witnesses; the perp or victim, lovers now apart, whatever the issue--Whatever...no one should desecrate a reputation for revenge or hearsay of any kind; it just shows their lack of character.

    I knew something happened over the year to you, was worried about you, never knew or heard...or truly pursued, but happy as hell you have passed through it; faced it; fought it; won it! Fearlessly female lives on in its rightful place--all of our hearts. 2013 is our year!

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    1. Ms. O, you fiery diamond...You have more than one life's worth of wisdom to share to all that can hear you. You have truly been there and done that. Sometimes our truths are twisted into transgressions. We all do it and we all fall victim to it. I suppose the best we can do is remain strong in the core of our worth and pray that we honor others while we honor ouselves. Sometimes it get downright ugly and other times the twisted situation keeps bending until it creates a much more powerful structure of truth. Only we ourselves can ever really know. That was one of the toughest lessons for me last year -- to find a way to be ok with that instead of obsessing over how I was viewed. You have so much to teach us about this very fact. You live outloud more courageously than anyone I know. And you stay intact and beautiful throughout. I adore that in you, Connee. Thank you for always bringing it home. And thank you for instinctually knowing that my life was going through a reworking. 2013 -- it *is* our year. Holy crap, YES!

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  10. Tiffany-I would write more if I wasn't tethered to a tiny Kindle keyboard...but thanks for the always honest writing. Life is an ever changing play, one that you can write your own ending, and I am glad to be in your audience. I am glad you have your writing to help you find your light and your possitive comments, in regard to my FB postings and photos, are always uplifting and put a smile on my face. I hope my coherancy didn't fall by the wayside as I hunt and peck over miniscule digital letters.

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    1. Yikes...just saw thay crazy hat that I am wearing in my profile photo..should change it!

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    2. Timothy, dear man, dear friend, how encouraging you are. Always. With everything you have. You truly are a gem in every sense of the word. Thank you for sticking by me these years of 'putting it out there'. I am so grateful to you and for you.

      Your hunting and pecking was magnificent!

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  11. I am honored to call you my friend.50 some odd years ago we met and I new you were special.I was not.You smiled, said hello and made me feel important. For some reason,no matter how hard I tried,all through school I stayed an outsider. Very few let me in. You, being you, were one of them.You became such a talented woman.To be able to write what you just did, blew me away.All of the other things that you have accomplished, doesn't surprise me.You are kind, smart, intelligent person and a fabulous writer.2010,2011,and 2012 were not kind to me.I still feel lost, but after reading your FF wall, maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.I just subscribed to your FF wall.I now live in downtown Miami.Just wanted you to know.Maybe 2013 I will get some of me back.I'm trying. Your FF wall is helping.

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    1. Miss Robin, I am completely overwhelmed. You leave me speechless and trapped in wonder. Do you have any idea what a gift you have given? I feel so close to you, tied in knots (the good kind). It is amazing to see ourselves through someone elses eyes, especially in our youth. I was so terrified as a teenager -- of everything. So it is wildly mysterious that I touched you in any way. Thank you for that....Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

      Darling girl, do not hesitate in finding yourself. Whatever part of you that has gone the wayside that you miss or that you felt you had to give up for someone else. As women, we do this - famously and often, without a second thought. If you have been chipped away, I promise you, the empty parts can absolutely grow back. And it takes courage and care and concentration. It takes a lot of self-love since often times others will shun that type of feminine strength. I am so freaking excited that you are here that I can barely stand it! Please remain. I've only scratched the surface of hell. But I can tell you that if you've walked it for the past 3 years and are on the other side saying, "maybe there is light", then woman - You are a masterpiece with new brush strokes. You can do this. You have it all within you today. Keep finding your fearless side, no matter how minute, so that it can be strengthened over the pain of the past. You are on your way and I am SO honored to be walking with you. Big, fat love! xx

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  12. Few can take words, shape them into phrases unseen, brand them with uniqueness, touch them with an artist's brush, and place them into an autobiographical context drawing the soul forward and the cognitive dissonance fades away.

    You eternal friend and admirerer,

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    1. Chad...always...in all ways...eternally...with whipped cream on top. I am forever in your debt. xx

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Your comments are the golden wrapper to my Chocolate bar. Without them the blog would melt away. I love to hear what you have to say. Thank you, my Lovelies!

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